Tales of Zelloyd
by accident prone
Summary: This is a dump for my many, many, many Zelloyd oneshots, both present and future.
1. Glares

**A/N: Ahahaha, so I have like a gabazillion Zelloyd oneshots and such I want to write or have written...or have half written...and this is basically a dump for them all. Yep. Let's see how this goes. I own nothing, by the way. Just saying. **

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"Hello," Zelos said cheerfully. Kratos gave no response other than perhaps a darkening of his glare. "I was standing over there and I noticed you were glaring at me like you wanted me to die, and I was just wondering why."

Glare.

Zelos laughed nervously. "It's…about _Lloyd_, isn't it?"

Glare.

"Just so you know, he groped me first."

A tightening of his lips. Another dark glare.

"Ahh, so it _is _about the groping." Zelos tapped a gloved finger against his lips wisely. "I knew it had to be either that or the sleeping together."

Here the mercenary spoke for the first time, through tightly clenched teeth. "Sleeping together?"

"Eheheh…didn't you know about that?"

A clenching of the fists indicated that no, Kratos had not known that.

"Just so you know, Lloyd _usually _gets top. So, really, it's not entirely my fau—"

A purple-gloved hand tightened on the sword. "_You've _been sleeping with my _son_?" Kratos sounded positively horrified.

"Since before Heimdall."

"I'm going to be sick."

"In my defense, I'd like to say that Lloyd jumped me."

"I can't believe this."

"Is that not why you were glaring at me?"

The angel's eyes closed only a moment before flashing open, full of the fury of an overprotective father.

"JUDGEMENT!"

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**A/N: Wow...I have...nothing to say. That's a first...**


	2. Designated babysitter

**A/N: Hey, all…thanks for all the love! And reviews…and such. You guys rock my world. So, here's another. I don't like this one quite as much, but whatever. Actually, this one kinda has the same theme as the last one. If torturing Kratos counts as a theme. Woohoo!**

**Disclaimer: Is the world a perfect place? Not so much. Do I own Tales of Symphonia? No, not really.**

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"Explain again why I have to stay behind."

"Because no one else is willing to," Sheena told Kratos calmly, avoiding his glower very determinedly. "Look—a few things, okay?"

"More than a few things," Raine cut in. "I made a list."

Kratos stared. "A list."

"You'll need it," Genis said.

"First—do not, under any circumstances, give them alcohol. We learned the hard way what happens when we do that."

"It took hours to clean up," Regal said.

"And gave us nightmares for weeks, yes. In any case." Raine cleared her throat. "Number _two_. Keep your eyes on them AT ALL TIMES. Otherwise, you may be scarred for life."

Kratos raised a brow. "I'd think that I'd be more scarred for life if I witnessed them—"

"They never do anything if they know someone's watching," Colette said wisely.

"Third. Do not _ever _take anything they say seriously. I'm sure Sheena can tell you all about that."

"Shut up," Sheena grumbled.

"She thought that when they were really talking about their wingspans, they were actually talking about their—" Genis started.

"Shut up!" Sheena cried.

"We found her whimpering in a corner, in the fetal position," Presea said.

"I was scarred for life! You would be too, if you'd heard them!"

"The rest are on the list." Raine handed the list to Kratos. It was easily ten feet long. He squinted at it, frowning. The fact that he couldn't read it even with his angelic eyesight was probably a bad sign. Oh, well. It probably wasn't that important anyway…

"We'll be back later," Regal said, and they were gone.

* * *

Kratos was quickly learning that when a certain redheaded Chosen is dating your son, it is _very _difficult to keep breathing evenly. Even when it doesn't seem he's doing anything. Yet. Even when they're just playing checkers.

"Jump-jump-jump-jump-jump-jump-woooooooo! I win!"

Kratos clutched his book tighter and concentrated on the words. _Now stir the mixture of onions, watermelon, and cookie dough until it begins to boil…_

"Shut up, Zelos! You totally cheated!"

"Would I do that?"

"Yes! Yes, you would!"

There was a crashing sound.

"Not the face! Lloyd! Don't hurt my beautiful face! You love my face, remember?"

"Your _face _loves your face!"

There was a silence.

"Now I'm confused," Lloyd grumbled.

"_You_ said it!"

"Whatever! You still so cheated!"

"I did not!"

Checkers started flying across the room. One hit Kratos in the back of the head. His eye twitched, and he concentrated as hard as he could on the book. _Must not strangle must not strangle must not—_

"Lloyd did it!"

"I did not! He's lying! He's ly—mmmph! Mmm…"

"LALALALALALALALALA," Kratos said, closing his eyes and plugging his fingers in his ears. He did _not _need to see—or hear—that.

_They never do anything if they know someone's watching…_

_Scarred for life…_

Closing his eyes tightly, Kratos abandoned his mission of plugging his ears to chuck his book in the general direction the, erm, sounds were coming from.

"Ow! My head! My beautiful head!"

"I'm sure you'll survive, Zelos."

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!"

"Um, actually, I do. Oh, hey! It's the professor's cookbook!"

That would explain some of the recipes in there.

"Hey…old man…do you have a headache or something?"

"Calling someone 'old man' is rude, Zelos…"

"Well, he is old. I mean, look at him!"

"He's, what, twenty-eight physically?"

"Ah, man, that's worse than I thought!"

"You're terrible."

"No, I do not have a headache," Kratos said evenly. "Not at all."

"I'm pretty sure he's lying," Zelos said after a moment.

"Really?"

"He's sort of massaging his temples."

"Hmm. Well, it can't be that bad. He's not whimpering in a corner like Sheena that one time we—"

"LALALALALALALA!"

"I don't think he trusts us," Zelos said thoughtfully.

"No no, I think he's just a little bit scarred for life."

"But we haven't done anything yet!"

_Yet?_

With a "gaack" and a "gasp" Kratos fell forward onto the ground in a dead faint.

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"I'm pretty sure it wasn't even our fault," Lloyd said.

Raine glared at the two of them. "What were you doing?"

"Nothing! Just…talking."

"You two talking is a terrible, terrible thing to hear," Sheena said, shuddering.

"Don't blame us for your dirty mind," Zelos said.

"My mind isn't dirty! Anyone would have mistaken it for—"

Kratos groaned.

He was staying well away from those two from now on…


	3. Late birthday present

**A/N: Oh man. I got what feels like a bazillion reviews last chapter. I LOVE you guys! ^^ Anyway, here's the next chapter! Fast, neh? I just can't get enough of these. I think this will probably be the last "torturing Kratos" chapter for awhile. Hey, don't look at me like that! They just pop in my head! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kratos, Lloyd, Zelos or ToS. If I owned Kratos, he'd be crying in a corner. If I owned Lloyd or Zelos, ToS really **_**would **_**be called Tales of Zelloyd. And that would be an epic WIN.**

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Kratos had _not _seemed happy with Zelos and Lloyd's relationship. There were a few signs. The ripping out of the hair, the muffled "gahhh's," the closing of his eyes and breathing deeply, the fact that he always paced, shoulders tense, when the only two missing were the Chosen and his son.

However, he seemed to be in a much better mood today.

"Happy birthday, Lloyd," he said calmly, almost _cheerfully_ as he handed Lloyd a wrapped box. Lloyd took it and looked at it.

"Um…you know my birthday was about five months ago, right?"

"Of course. Are you going to take it or aren't you?"

Raising a brow, Lloyd just unwrapped it. And stared at the box. Stared at his father.

"Uh—dad…"

"Yes?" Kratos looked pleased with himself.

"A box of _condoms_? I really don't think that's necessary."

The Glare. "Use them."

Lloyd groaned and rubbed a hand across his face. "Seriously. We don't need them."

"Oh? And can I ask why that may be?"

Lloyd shrugged, gave that Lloydish grin. "Because we already bought an economy size. A week ago."

There was a loud crash as Kratos fell over backwards.

"It was a _joke_!" Lloyd yelled.

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**A/N: Yes…I **_**do **_**enjoy torturing Kratos…oh dear. I wonder if that's healthy…anyway, reviews are awesome and I love all reviewers. Mmmyep.**


	4. Immature

**A/N: It feels like it's been an ETERNITY since I wrote some of these! That makes me sad. I had writer's block for…everything. Yeah, it sucked. But I'm okay now. I think. Anyway, this isn't **_**quite **_**a Kratos-torturing chapter, but it does come close. Very close. Oh, and beware of immaturity.**

**Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! You know what would happen if I did. If I owned ToS AND ToS: DotNW, it'd actually be ToZ and ToZ: DoM—Tales of Zelloyd: Death of Marta. Because I really don't like her.**

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Kratos had never stricken anyone as much of an overprotective father before. That made it all the more amusing whenever he panicked. He wasn't used to the fact that Lloyd would walk far ahead of the group so often, and more often now with Zelos.

"Where did they go?" Kratos demanded, looking wildly around.

Genis shrugged. "Probably farther ahead. They always do."

"_Alone_?"

Everyone nodded, giving Kratos part sympathetic, part pitying, and part amused smiles.

"But—but—but—" Kratos was sputtering now. Sheena snorted.

"Kratos, calm down," Raine said. "Zelos can heal, remember?"

"Yes, he can…but he can also DO OTHER THINGS TO MY SON!"

"Never thought we'd see you flip out," Sheena said, still trying to stop laughing. With very little success.

"I am not flipping out."

"The percent chance of that being true is approximately…point one percent."

Of course, Kratos didn't hear Presea's statement, as he was running wildly down the path, shouting Lloyd's name. Everyone exchanged a long look, then continued to follow Kratos.

Kratos found Lloyd and Zelos sitting on the ground, laughing so hard they had to lean against each other, dead monsters all around them.

"Lloyd! Lloyd! Are you all right?" Kratos demanded urgently.

Lloyd gasped through his laughter. "Fi…fine!"

Assured that his son was not dead, injured, or molested, Kratos crossed his arms and glared at both of them. "And what," he growled, "is so funny?"

Finally calming down, Zelos and Lloyd looked at each other, then started laughing again, new tears of mirth running down their cheeks.

Kratos glared until they stopped laughing finally. Lloyd looked up at his father, tried to keep a straight face.

"Sonic thrust," he said calmly, then they started cracking up once again.

"What?" Kratos blinked, then gave them an annoyed look. "You…are laughing about that?"

"And super sonic thrust!" Zelos burst out.

"Best move ever," Lloyd agreed.

"Very effective."

"Very. Especially if you have two swords."

"My sword's still bigger than yours."

"Like that matters."

"Oh, it does. It does."

"Uh huh."

Kratos was groaning again, gloved hands covering his face.

Sonic thrust?

Those two were so immature…

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**A/N: Please tell me I'm not the only one who thought of something like this whenever Zelos, Lloyd, or Kratos yelled "Sonic thrust" or "Super sonic thrust." Otherwise I'll feel **_**really **_**immature…**


	5. Cat person

**A/N: I'm…updating quickly. Yep. Just something that popped in my head. Oh, and Kratos isn't even in this one! It's almost a Lloyd-torturing chapter, except not really. So…yeah. Zelos has always stricken me as being a cat person and Lloyd not so much, which is how this just…kinda popped into existence! Woot!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned ToS, I would probably have the dudes in Sybak make me a clever disclaimer generator. But then again, I wouldn't need clever disclaimers, as all of this would actually be in-game. Which would be cool. At least I think so...**

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When you spend a lot of time with someone, you learn a lot about them. For example, one thing that Lloyd learned about Zelos was that he was a cat person.

A massive cat person.

"Aww, look at the cat!" Zelos stopped in his walk to kneel down and start petting a random cat. "Isn't it cute, Lloyd?"

Lloyd raised a brow. "Not really."

"It is." Zelos picked up the cat. "Aww, he's purring!"

"And? All cats purr."

"I know!" Zelos said cheerfully, scratching the cat behind the ears. "Don't you just love cats?"

"No."

"I love cats."

"I can tell."

"Especially kittens!"

Lloyd sighed. "What are you? Colette?"

"No, no, of course not," Zelos assured him. "Colette likes dogs. Dogs are completely lame and stupid. Cats are great."

Lloyd stared at the cat. It was demonic and/or possessed. He was sure of it. "Great."

"Mm-hm!" Zelos grinned as the cat rubbed its head against his cheek. "He likes me!"

"You're _petting_ it, Zelos, what do you expect?"

"I just wanna take him _home _with me!"

"Zelos…you already have, like, five cats."

"Well. Those are just the ones at home, actually. And that would be _we _have five cats."

"They're _your _cats. I'm not dealing with them."

Zelos grinned. "They love you, Lloyd."

"Well, I don't love them."

"That's just cruel. You're so coldhearted sometimes."

"Only to _cats_!"

"That's even worse." Zelos set the cat down, and it gave a mew of protest, looking up at Zelos with wide, sad eyes. "Hey, little guy…I'll be back tomorrow!"

The cat mewed. Zelos paused. "Lloyd," he said.

"No."

"But, Lloyd. It's a kitten! It's soooo cute!"

"You have five other cats! Besides, it probably belongs to someone."

"We could just bring him in for a night…"

"No!"

"Besides, look at him! Those sad, begging eyes…doesn't your heart just cry out for him?"

Lloyd thought a moment, then shook his head. "Nope."

Completely ignoring Lloyd once again, Zelos picked up the cat. Lloyd glowered at it. "I bet it wants to eat you."

"I think you're being paranoid. What should we name him?"

"How can you be sure it's a _him_?"

"I like the name Cinnamon."

"Doesn't suit it at _all_. Besides, it's gray!"

"Naming it 'Gray' would seem so dreary, though!"

"That…wasn't a suggestion…"

Nestling the cat against him, Zelos continued walking, humming a little tune. "Well, then, give a suggestion," he said finally.

"Evil demonic rat breath."

"Lloyd! Don't be mean to Fuzzy."

"…Fuzzy?"

"That's his new name."

"I thought you wanted suggestions from me!"

"Well, I'm not calling him 'Evil demonic rat breath.'"

"He'll always be that to me."

Zelos scowled at Lloyd. "Be nice."

"I am nice. Just not to cats. I told you."

Zelos studied him. "You're really not a cat person, are you?"

"No…no, I'm really not."

They entered the house, and were greeted by a lot of yowling and meowing. "They're hungry. Lloyd, can you feed them?"

"They're your cats!"

"I know, but I have other cats I have to visit."

"This is ridic—other cats? You have more cats than this? Where the hell do you keep them? In the basement?"

"Well, they're only _sort of _mine. I left the majority of them in the Altamira inn with this guy who—"

"Those were your cats?" Lloyd demanded. "Zelos, this is insane! This goes beyond cat loving, and into cat mania!"

"Oh, don't insult me."

"It's the truth!"

Zelos grinned. "I like cats, okay?"

"You're a cat _fanatic_!"

"I can live with that," Zelos said happily. "You know where the cat food is! Make sure Fuzzy gets settled in, mmkay?"

"Evil demonic rat breath!" Lloyd yelled as Zelos closed the door behind him with a little twirl. The cats were all staring at him. Lloyd sighed.

"Fine," he grumbled. "Let's get you some food…Evil demonic rat breath."

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**Review? **


	6. Kratos needs a better place to read

**A/N: OH NOES! It's another Kratos-torturing chapter! Well…oh noes for Kratos…oh yayz for all of us…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Tales of Symphonia. Because, see, Kratos wouldn't get out of that journey unscathed if I were in charge. He'd be seeing a therapist by the end of it. He'd be freaking traumatized! And I know I really shouldn't sound so happy about it, but it's true…**

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He'd _been _peaceful. He'd _been _fine. Just reading his nice little book, when—

"LLOOOOOOOOOOOYD!" the shout ripped through the hall, and Kratos jerked. His face collided with his book, and he tried to will it all away. _No no no no no no NO—_

Two sets of feet came thundering down the stairs. Lloyd shot by him first, diving under the couch. Zelos came in only a few seconds later, thick pen marks on his face. He glared around the room.

"You can run, but you can't hide, Lloyd…I know you're somewhere…"

"I can too hide!" Lloyd yelled, then there was the sound of him clapping a hand to his mouth. "Oh, shit!"

"Lloyd!" Zelos yelled, diving for the couch and grabbing Lloyd's ankle before he could run off again. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BEAUTIFUL FACE?"

Lloyd snickered. "What does it look like I did?"

"Lloyd!" Zelos whined.

"Will you two be _quiet_?" Kratos demanded.

"Lloyd drew on my _face_ and you want me to be _quiet_?"

"That would be nice."

"But—but—but—"

"I'd just like to say Zelos started it," Lloyd said, sitting up and trying to take off his boot without much success. "Dammit, Zelos, let go."

"I did not start it! You started it! You _drew on my_—"

"So I'm artistic," Lloyd shot back. "So what? I only did that because you put peanut butter in my underwear."

"Well, I only did that because you put marshmallow creme in mine!"

"I only did that because for one, you're _shameless_ when you flirt and I was feeling a wee bit neglected, and two, I didn't want you wearing any underwear!"

Zelos frowned. "Flirting? I don't remember that at all."

"You were."

"Hmm…when?"

"Four nights ago."

"I'm pretty sure I didn't. I was asleep all day that day, remember? I had the flu and—"

"Wait…" Lloyd stared. "Are you saying you were…sleepflirting?"

"You make me sound so bad."

Kratos groaned and let his face collide with his book.

He _had _to find a better place to read.

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**Review…you know you want to…**


	7. Sharing

**A/N: I feel like updating, so…yeah! I had a sudden rush of ideas. I might update pretty soon after this, too…depending on my level of inspiration. **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Tales of Symphonia, I wouldn't be writing this. Which, now that I think about it, could actually be kind of tragic. You can only ram so much Zelloyd into one game…**

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He was allowed to glare. He was _allowed to glare_, dammit.

And Lloyd…

Lloyd.

Lloyd was allowed to _notice_.

So Zelos glared.

And Lloyd didn't notice. Hs back was to Zelos. Colette gave him a nervous smile, though.

So Zelos glared harder. Wishing for once he had a trait Kratos had—the Glare of Doom.

And Lloyd still did not notice, instead talking animatedly to Sheena and Colette.

Okay. Sure. He could handle this. He was fine. He wasn't jealous in the slightest. So what if Lloyd wanted to talk to two very attractive young ladies who obviously both had a thing for him? So _what_? That was Lloyd's business. Totally.

Yeah.

Didn't really stop Zelos's glaring, though. Like it made a difference.

He could handle Lloyd talking to friends, female friends, who had a thing for him. Sure. That was fine.

But a large crowd of fangirls and fanboys?

Uh, no. Just…no. That was not happening.

"Lloyd!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "Colette's getting kidnapped again!"

"I'm right here, Zelos! Don't worry!"

Lloyd gave him a weird look. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes, I'm fi—I mean, actually, no. I think I'm dying."

Sheena raised a brow at him.

"Excuse us," Lloyd said, walking over to Zelos and pulling him off to the side. He raised a brow. "And what was all that about, may I ask?"

"Nothing."

"Uh huh." A skeptical look. "You're not a good liar."

"Well…maybe a _little _something."

"Okay. Spill."

"I'm, um…"

Lloyd studied him, looking partly curious, partly amused. "You're _pouting_."

He pouted some more. "The Great Zelos does not _pout_."

"No, but you do."

"That's harsh, Lloyd," he whined, sticking his bottom lip out further. "Real harsh."

"You _are _pouting." Lloyd examined him a moment longer, looking amused, now. "Are you _jealous_?"

"I'm not jealous!"

Again with that skeptical look. Zelos relented.

"I'm just…not good at sharing."

What? He was allowed. He was the spoiled brat of Meltokio, after all.

"Ahh." Lloyd nodded. "So you are jealous!"

"No I'm not! It's a completely different thing."

"Really." Lloyd, skeptical.

"Really." Zelos, trying to convince them both.

They stared at each other for a moment.

"It's the fanboys and fangirls, isn't it?" Lloyd said finally.

"Maybe."

"It's not my fault. They stalk me."

"I believe you."

The next morning, the whole town was littered with posters claiming 'Lloyd Irving is MINE!'

Lloyd gave Zelos a look.

"Was that really necessary?"

Zelos shrugged, and, upon seeing some of the fangirls and fanboys approach, tackle-glomped Lloyd (who wobbled from side to side with the sudden addition of weight), glaring at them with narrowed eyes, conveying only one message, just in case they hadn't gotten it the first time.

_Mine_.

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**Review. You know you want to…**


	8. Katz

**A/N: It's been awhile. Man…well, here's another. This one's kind of a sequel to "cat person." Same…catty theme. **

**Disclaimer: I own…nothing. And I only have one cat. And it's not evil, freaky, and demonic. Usually.**

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"No," Lloyd told the cat firmly. "Zelos can feed you when he gets home."

"Mrrow," the cat said pitifully.

"I said no, evil demonic rat breath."

The cat looked sadly at him, then set its chin on its paws, staring up at Lloyd with wide—and, as Zelos would say, cute—eyes. If the cat had had lips, the bottom one would probably be quivering.

"You're so mean to the cats," Genis said, leaning back on the luxurious couch. "Would it really be so hard to just…be nice to it?"

"I don't like cats."

"I can tell."

"I'm hoooo-oooome!" Zelos sang cheerfully from the next room over, and Genis and Lloyd glanced up as they heard the door open.

"Evil demonic rat breath is hungry."

"So feed him, Lloyd."

"You know I hate cats."

"Don't take that out on them."

Lloyd let out a sigh of exasperation. "Whatever. What took you so long, anyway? thought you were just going to get bread."

"And cat food. And cat toys. And then, on the way home, I saw the _cutest_—"

Lloyd groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please tell me you didn't get another cat."

A hesitation. "Um…"

"Zelos."

"It's, uh…well, not _exactly_…"

"Meow," a distinctive voice said. Lloyd groaned again.

"Zelos, please, _please _don't tell me you brought home a Katz."

"Her name," Zelos said proudly, coming in and leading the freak of nature into the living room, "is Mindy!"

"I can't believe this. You really brought a Katz home."

Zelos grinned, still holding the giant paw. "Isn't she _cute_?"

Genis raised a brow at his childhood friend as Lloyd glared at the Katz.

"You…don't think she's cute, huh."

Lloyd closed his eyes and sighed, smiling calmly. Folding his hands, he said slowly, "Zelos, that is not a cat. That is a Katz. There is a massive difference. Katz are evil, freaky, and demonic. Ordinary cats, on the other hand, are at the very least tolerable. If not by much."

"You don't like the Katz?"

"They terrify me. I think they're planning world domination. That, or to murder us in our sleep."

"Meow."

"Shut up," Lloyd snapped at it.

"Lloyd, be nice! Mindy, are you planning to kill us?" Zelos gave the Katz a very grave look. She (_It_, Lloyd thought venomously) looked up at Zelos innocently.

"Of course not, meow."

"See?"

"That does _not_ prove anything!"

"But, Lloyd! It…she's so cute!"

"And therefore more dangerous."

"But I bet she's loooonely. Unwanted by all because of her race…"

"Zelos. It plans to kill us."

"I really, really doubt that."

"And I really, really think you should give it to someone else."

"I really, really think that we should keep her."

"Well, I really, really think you should give her to that angry little noble who called me an asswipe."

"You called him a fat-faced bozo!"

"I couldn't help it. He started it."

Zelos rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll…" He sniffed dramatically. "…give Mindy away…" He gave Lloyd a look of such intense sadness, that despite all common sense, Lloyd found himself saying the fatal words he knew better than to say.

"Fine. If you want, you can just get another cat."

"Okay!" Zelos said, suddenly cheery again, prancing out of the house.

"Oh nooo," Lloyd groaned. "What…what have I done?"

Watching the ex-Chosen go, feeling a bit impressed, Genis grinned and replied smugly, "Probably played right into Zelos's hands."


	9. Unfortunate accident

**A/N: Oh boy! More Kratos-torture! You might ask why I keep doing this to him. And it's surprisingly not because I hate him! I kinda got over that a few days ago. He's back to being cool. A butthead sometimes, but cool. Ish. Or so. Um, yeah. Lloyd's of course way cooler. Because that's Accident Prone vow number two: Love, goodness, and Lloyd will always win. Totally not a rip-off of the seventh Dwarven Vow. Nope.**

* * *

Kratos was hoping for better luck that morning than usual as he calmly took a bite of egg. Yes, it _was_ Zelos's house, and yes, Lloyd and Zelos _were _in the same house, but he was feeling cautiously optimistic.

"Good morning!" Zelos said cheerfully, leaping down the stairs.

"Must you be so loud? It's early."

"Ah, don't be a grouchy-pants, Kratos!"

Kratos raised a brow. _Grouchy-pants? _"Perhaps the issue is that you are too cheerful."

"I'm a morning person!" Zelos proclaimed happily.

"I had noticed."

"What, you don't like mornings?"

"Mornings are fine."

"Mmm…hm." Zelos tapped a finger against his lips thoughtfully. "You don't like me, do you?"

"Did I say that?"

"I think it was implied."

Kratos ignored him in favor of taking another bite of eggs.

"It _was _implied, wasn't it? Wasn't it? Huh, Kratos? Wasn't it?"

"Will you be _quiet_?"

Zelos opened his mouth to retort, but a shout interrupted him.

"_Zelos_!"

Kratos raised a brow at the enraged sound, and a…half-naked Lloyd came running down the steps. His face fell in his eggs and he groaned. _And I had such high hopes…_

"Yes, hunny?" Zelos asked, still cheerful.

"What the hell did you do with my clothes?"

Kratos groaned into his eggs.

"Your clothes?" Zelos asked innocently.

"You know…the things I _wear_?"

"Oh. Those clothes."

"Yes, those clothes! What other clothes are there?"

Zelos eyed Lloyd. "You're not a morning person either?"

"Being a morning person has nothing to do with this! What did you do with my clothes, you idiot?"

"That's not a nice way to speak to the only person who knows where your clothes are."

Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Zelos, if you don't tell me where my clothes are, I'll beat the crap out of you."

"That's still not a very nice way to…"

"Okay, you're a lovable idiot."

"Awww."

"Now where are my clothes?"

"They had an…unfortunate accident."

"What the…_an unfortunate accident_?"

Zelos nodded solemnly. "They…_accidentally _fell into a large mud puddle."

"Fell into a large mud puddle."

"I'm afraid it'll be awhile before they'll get washed. The washing machine is sort of malfunctioning. I guess…you'll just have to be dressed like that all day!"

And there went Kratos's morning.

"Or…you could let me wear some of _your _spare clothes."

Kratos raised his head, smiling. Here his morning came, it was _back_…

Zelos grinned. "No I couldn't. They had an unfortunate accident too."

Kratos's face found his eggs again.

Rest in peace, Kratos's optimism, hope, sanity, and wonderful morning.

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**A/N: -giggle- Kratos is mourning his morning! …get it? Okay…I'll shut up now…yeah…reviews help…**


	10. What if I

**A/N: Gyarrrrgh. I hate hot weather. And I hate weather that's like "Look! Clouds!" In the morning and then when I get off the bus to walk the rest of the way to work the sun's shining and it's hot and it's all like "jk!" It makes me sad. And a little annoyed. Well, more than a little annoyed. It makes me want to kill the sun. Or something. Except then I'd be dead, so that'd suck.**

**Know what else I hate? Writer's block. Yes. The heat is making me kind of depressed and then I get depressed about being depressed, because I know my life isn't that bad compared to a lot of people. And then I'm in this vast pit of sadness and I'm just moping around my house. And then I can't write, which usually brings up my mood, because it's too hot and I'm too depressed and such. Which is really lame.**

**But I'm okay now. The weather's pretty tolerable. Today work was pretty good and…and none of you care. Sorry. I went off on a little rant. Anyway, the important thing is that I'm updating, though I think this is really craptastic. So yeah.**

**Oh yeah, and I own nothing. SO THERE.**

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Lloyd was working on carving a piece of wood, eyes fixed on it, actually concentrating on something. Zelos was lazily watching him, chin propped up on his hands, lying on his stomach, Kratos pretending to read in the corner.

"Lloyd?"

Lloyd's eyes never left the wood he was carving. "What?"

"If I told you you were cute, would you punch me?"

Lloyd didn't even miss a beat. "Yeah."

"Oh," Zelos said, a bit dejectedly. Kratos hid his smile behind his book. Which he was holding upside down. It wasn't like he had any interest in reading it anyway. There was silence for a few moments, then Zelos spoke again.

"How about adorable?"

Kratos's eyes narrowed.

"I'd still beat the crap out of you."

"Oh." Zelos rolled on his back and gazed at the ceiling, pursing his lips. "Hmm."

Lloyd carved a bit more, smiling.

"What if I told you you looked like you'd be great in bed?"

Lloyd snorted, then threw a stray sock at Zelos's head. "Stop trying to distract me. I want to finish this."

Zelos grinned a cheeky grin and opened his mouth to say something more, but Kratos interrupted him by grabbing his foot and yanking him out of the room. Lloyd winced as loud crashes and bangs sounded from the next room, accompanied (of course) by Zelos's screams.

Kratos walked in, looking rather pleased with himself, and returned to his book. A few moments later, Zelos crawled in, looking very…in pain.

"He's really violent, Lloyd…" Zelos whispered, crawling back on the footrest.

Lloyd raised a brow. "So I see."

Zelos groaned and rolled onto his back again. And after a moment, with another grin: "Hey, Lloyd?"

"What?"

"You're cute, adorable, and look like you'd be great in bed."

Kratos threw his book at Zelos's head, sending the redhead crashing to the ground.

Lloyd gave Zelos a sympathetic look—though the ex-Chosen should have _known _better—and returned to the charm he was carving.

These sorts of events were all too common anyway.

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**A/N: I'm kind of starting to run out of ideas for this. NOT A GOOD THING. Any requests/suggestions would be totally welcome...-hint hint- Oh, and if you could review, that'd be nice, too. ^^**


	11. Breakfast

**A/N: So, I recently learned that I really, REALLY like Sebastian. You know…butler dude…yeah. He's pretty awesome. It's something I learned while writing "I trust you." So, uhh…yeah, that should explain why this one is mostly in Sebastian's POV. Because he is just THAT cool.**

**I'm over my depression for good now, by the way! :D The heat wave is OVER. Makes me so happy…but it's weird, because I get depressed by the sun. Rain makes me happy, though. It makes me want to dance. And sing. And just generally be hyper. **

**Right…on an unrelated note, none of this stuff belongs to me. Even the mashed potatoes. I hate mashed potatoes. I have bad memories concerning those…those things of evil. –shudders-**

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The whole "circus troupe," as Sebastian liked to call them, was over. Most were around the table, though Kratos and Zelos had decided it would be a good idea (quite wisely, Sebastian thought) to remove themselves from the…disaster that was sure to ensue. Kratos was of course glaring over the newspaper he was pretending to read, and Zelos was looking at his bookshelf. Sebastian paused, wondering whether he should be doing something in the kitchen or just standing idly around. Probably cleaning the mess Zelos and Lloyd had made when Lloyd had tackled Zelos early that morning, but...

"Neeeeeerowww," Lloyd said to himself, picking up a spoonful of mashed potatoes.

Zelos chose this moment to turn around and look at Lloyd. "Hey, Lloyd?"

"Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerow," Lloyd said, a bit louder. "Beep beep beep. Captain, it appears that an enemy ship is approaching! Oh no!"

Sebastian hesitated for only a moment before settling in a seat. This ought to be good.

Zelos raised a brow at the red clad teen, mouth open a little.

"Ready all weapons," Lloyd continued to himself in a slightly deeper voice, then spoke in a squeaky one. "Yes, sir! Weapons ready to fire! Three…two…one…FIRE!" And with that, Lloyd flung his mashed potatoes at Zelos. "Beeeeeeeeeu! A direct hit! Booowee! Booowee!"

Zelos stared at Lloyd for a moment, then cracked up. Kratos only raised a brow, and sighed, seeming to have the usual I-can't-believe-this-is-my-son look on his face.

"The enemy ship appears to be incapacitated, sir!" Lloyd said cheerfully, scooping up another spoonful. "It appears to be malfunctioning!"

"Lloyd!" Raine gasped. "You used both incapacitated _and _malfunctioning in a sentence! Correctly, even! I'm so proud!"

Colette clapped her hands. "Oh, yay, Lloyd! That's wonderful!"

Lloyd, of course, remained oblivious. "Excellent! Just one more hit and it should go down! Yes, sir! We'll hit them even harder this time, with the glob shot!"

Lloyd busied himself with filling his spoon with as much mashed potatoes as humanly possible, before flinging the whole thing at Zelos with a scream of "FIRE! Make this one count!" Zelos dodged this time, and it hit Kratos square on the forehead. Kratos sighed wearily. Again.

"Lloyd, don't play with your food."

"Oh no! He appears to have reinforcements!"

"Lloyd," Kratos said dangerously, and Sebastian couldn't help but chuckle.

He may not be a morning person, but Lloyd was hilarious in the mornings.

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**A/N: o.O I…I don't even know how this happened…it's like eleven at night now, though, so I should probably be getting some sleep. Aaaagh. Oh, and thanks for everyone's suggestions for more of these! As a result, I don't think it's possible to run out of prompt like things…but if anyone has any requests, those are always good. :3 **


	12. Carving

**A/N: Well…here's another oneshot drabbly thingy. There's really not much to say. But summer's kind of close to over…NOOOOOOOOO! Only…like…a month left…;_; That'll be terrible. I should write some zelloyd drabbles on the terribility of school. But, um, yeah! This chapter's dedicated to Silvermoon888 for her suggestion of the theme for this chapter. Aaaand I still don't own Tales of Symphonia. Or Zelos. Or Lloyd. What a cruel, cruel world we live in.**

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Lloyd had been quiet for quite a time. This, everyone knew, was rarely a good sign.

Zelos found himself taking a seat beside him on the log, looking at Lloyd curiously. He was…working on something. A piece of wood.

"What're you doing?" he asked finally, when he couldn't figure it out.

There was a pause before Lloyd answered. "Carving something."

"Well, I can see _that_."

"Then why'd you ask?" Lloyd held the carved wood up and blew on it. Squinted at it, then frowned, lowering it back to his lap.

"Uh…I just…never mind." Zelos sighed. "What's it of?"

Lloyd actually looked up this time, and grinned cheerfully. "That's a secret."

"You mean you haven't decided yet."

Lloyd shoved at Zelos's shoulder. "_No_, I mean it's a _secret_, you dork."

"Then give me a hint."

"No."

"Come on. Please?"

"No!" Lloyd laughed. "If I give you a hint, you'll guess what it is right away! Then where will I be?"

"Then think up a better hint."

"You're such a moron. Forget it."

"Come ooooooooon!"

"No!"

"Then let me see!"

"No! I'm almost done! Have some freaking patience, you—"

"Why are you even carving something? You could be trying to keep Raine away from the dinner supplies!" Zelos grabbed Lloyd's arm, trying to reach for the wood carving.

"It's for…fun!"

"You're a terrible liar!"

"Shut up!" Lloyd quickly switched the carving to his other hand and pulled it out of Zelos's reach. "I'm not telling!"

"Why nooooooooot?"

"Because I said so!"

"That's _not a good reason_!"

"Yes it is! Yes it is!"

Zelos tackled Lloyd to the ground. "Give it."

"No! I'll eat it!"

"You will not!"

"Yes I will!"

"That's not possible!"

"Just watch!"

Zelos rolled over to sit on Lloyd, reaching for it, but Lloyd held it just out of reach. "Llooooooyd!"

"Never!"

"Please."

"No!" Lloyd had resumed carving—_while _Zelos was grabbing for it. Okay, that was pretty impressive, but still.

"Come on…"

"I said no, you dork!"

"You're the dork!"

"I am not!"

_Almost…there…_ Zelos, in a sudden burst of energy, reached for it again. His fingers brushed it before Lloyd pulled it out of the way again. _This is ridiculous_, he thought, scowling. Lloyd was _shorter _than he was. This should be a piece of cake.

That was when it hit him.

"Lloyd, if you don't hand it over, I'll tickle you."

There was a pause, then Lloyd glared at Zelos defiantly. "I'm not ticklish!"

"Liar!"

Genis, Colette, and Sheena had come to watch the two…roll in the mud, Lloyd letting out shrieks of laughter.

"Aaaaghhh…okay! Okay!" Lloyd gasped a bit as Zelos stopped his assault. "I'll…show you the carving. Happy?"

"Okay," Zelos said contentedly, just happy he'd won.

"Let me get up first." Zelos had found it necessary to sit on top of Lloyd to stop the red-clad swordsman from squirming away.

"I don't trust you."

Lloyd pouted. "But Zelos…I have to go get the carving."

"What…" Zelos stared. "You just had it!"

"That was a…uh…decoy."

"Liar…"

"Let me up, you—"

"Hi, Sheena," Zelos said cheerfully.

"…what are you two _doing_?"

Zelos and Lloyd looked at each other, then proclaimed at the same time, "He started it!"

"What…"

"He didn't let me see the carving!"

"He was just being dumb!"

"I was not!"

"Yes you were! You _could've _had patience for, oh I don't know…_five minutes_?"

"Well, you could have mentioned you were that close to…"

"Like you let me!"

"Shut up, Lloyd."

"You shut up."

"No, you shut up."

"You shut—"

Sheena looked confused. "Wait…what? What?"

"They're just being dumb," Genis muttered, walking off. "As usual."

"I _said_, he started it!" Lloyd protested.

"Yeah, but I didn't!"

Lloyd made an annoyed noise and shoved Zelos off his lap. "Just…hold on." He pulled the carving from his pocket along with the tool and stared at Zelos intently.

"Why're you staring at me like that?"

"I want to get this just right. Hold your head like…here." Lloyd dropped the items in his lap and put his hands on each side of Zelos's face. "Just…hold your head like this. Don't move." Pulling his hands back, Lloyd recovered the carving and the tool and made a few small scrapes to it, glancing back up at Zelos every so often. "There. I…"

"Hey, hey, hold on, you said you were going to show me what it…"

Lloyd rolled his eyes and stood up. "Happy _birthday_, stupid," he said, throwing the carving at his friend and walking off, trying to rub the mud from his hair.

Sheena snorted. "Idiot," she said before walking off with Colette, who was saying something about how nice Lloyd was as they walked off.

Zelos stared at the carving in his hand.

_Oh_.

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**A/N: Who wants to review? It's super exciting! Really! :D**


	13. Sick

**A/N: Well. It's time for another drabbly thing. –yawn- Hmpth. I'm tired. Let's see how this goes.  
**

**Disclaimer: Um, yeah. I don't own this. If I owned any of this, I'd have Yuan's cape all to myself. And then Yuan would cry. But I like his cape, dammit.**

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Lloyd was scowling at anyone who dared to come within fifteen feet of him, wrapped in a blanket on Zelos's couch. Sheena and Colette looked worried, but weren't willing to risk their own necks just to ask Lloyd if he was okay.

"Lloyd," Raine said impatiently. "Let me at least get close enough to heal you."

"No!" He rasped. "I don't need healing. I'm perfectly fine."

"Lloyd, you're sick."

"I'm not sick!"

"Maybe you should leave him alone," Genis murmured.

"Lloyd, honestly—"

"I'm not sick," he said defiantly.

"Aw, poor Lloydie," Zelos said sympathetically, coming in the room. "Are you feeling okay?"

Lloyd bared his teeth and snarled.

"That's not good for you when you're not feeling well, hun."

Lloyd's eyes narrowed in a glare as Zelos sat down next to him, swinging an arm around the teen's shoulders. Lloyd looked at Zelos's hand like he was going to bite it. Kratos watched all this with interest.

"Go away." Lloyd sounded decidedly grumpy.

"Nope. I made you soup."

"I don't want soup! I hate soup."

"It's chicken noodle. Your faaaaaaavorite."

"I fucking _hate_ soup!" Lloyd snapped, then sneezed.

"Have I ever told you that you look extra cute when you're sick?"

"Zelos!" Sheena snarled, and Zelos dodged the projectile easily, never breaking his grin as Lloyd glared even more darkly. Lloyd Irving did not enjoy being thought of as cute. Even if it was true.

"If you don't get better soon, 'something' might happen."

Lloyd snarled something, then snatched the soup with a few colorful curses.

"Don't spill," Zelos said cheerfully. "I poured my heart and soul into making that soup, you know."

What Lloyd grumbled could have been heard as "thanks" but in reality was probably more like "humph."

"You need anything else?"

"Yeah," Lloyd said sourly. "A less fussy boyfriend."

"Aw, but, Lloyd. You like it when I fuss over you."

Lloyd puffed in exasperation. "Shut up before I pour this soup down your shirt."

Everyone stared openly. Zelos had fussed over Lloyd when he was sick…and hadn't gotten killed.

Kratos smiled a secretive smile as Lloyd, grumbling, leaned into Zelos to eat his soup. Making a Kratos-note in his Kratos-notebook, he glared suspiciously around, hoping no one had seen what had been written. It would be a blow to his reputation as prickly and Zelos-hating.

_First Kratos-test…passed. Zelos shows signs of being an acceptable match._

_

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**A/N: Well, that turned out differently than I had expected. Whatever. -tired- Hopefully it wasn't too much of a fail.  
**


	14. Singing in the shower

**A/N: Well…after a long(ish) absence, I AM BACK. You're all overjoyed. You know it. (Probably not but whatever.) I've been kind of preoccupied with the doom and torture that is spending time with annoying and old family members that believe that anyone under thirty should been seen and not heard…and not always seen either. Oh, and writer's block. Plus my computer and such were phailing on me. But. Um. Yeah. I own nothing, as usual.**

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Lloyd slammed a pillow over his ears. While he loved music most times, mornings were not one of them. Of course, it wasn't just the fact that it was morning that was pissing Lloyd off right now. No indeed, Lloyd had bigger problems than that. For example, it was really cold out right now, and Zelos, the ever insane blanket hog, had for some strange reason thought it would be a good plan to throw the blankets that Lloyd was _obviously _not going to use onto the floor. Now, Lloyd could stand this when there was another, more satisfying source of heat in the bed, but there was none right now. In fact, said source of heat had decided that it would be a brilliant idea to get up at _eight flippin' thirty _in the morning to take a shower. He'd also decided that no one else needed to sleep in the house, which was demonstrated by the fact that he was singing loudly in the shower.

Lloyd growled something into the bed and shoved the blanket harder on his ears. Still the ex-Chosen's voice reached his ears. There really was no winning against that voice.

But, Lloyd realized with an evil grin, there was a chance at winning against the man the voice belonged to.

Surprised as he always was that his feet didn't touch ice-cold ground, Lloyd quickly sped silently across the hallway to enter the bathroom Zelos was showering in. Fortunately, he had forgotten to lock the door, which would make this much easier.

Unable to hear Lloyd's approach over his singing, Zelos was rather shocked when his clothes were dumped in the shower from above.

"Don't," Lloyd growled, "sing in the shower this early! _Some_ of us are sane and are trying to sleep."

Shocked, Zelos stared at the clothes that were slowly getting soaked in dismay. Suddenly realizing he had no wearable clothes for the day, he whined, "Llooooyd!"

Of course, the swordsman had decided that this would be a good time to reenter the bed before it became cold again, pulling the rest of the blankets off the floor and on himself, sighing contentedly.

Zelos had probably learned his lesson _this _time.


	15. Hair

**A/N: Um. Yeah. A little short…something. Because it's late, I'm slightly inspired and…yeah. I think that's about it. Oh, right, and I own nothing. So, um, yeah. If you try to sue me after **_**that**_**, you're either really bored or you have no life. Or both.**

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Raine gave the two boys an exasperated look. "And what, may I ask happened?"

Lloyd's right hand was tangled deeply in Zelos's mass of red hair. They both looked decidedly grumpy.

"It's Lloyd's fault. He—"

"It is not! Give me my hand back, dammit!"

"Ow ow ow! Stop pulling!"

Raine forced herself to take several deep breaths. "What. Happened?"

"Well, Lloyd decided to molest my hair—"

"I did not _molest _your hair!" Lloyd cried indignantly. "I was, uh…" Here the red-clad hero paused, then added with a touch of dignity, "Petting your hair."

A pause, then Zelos rolled his eyes. "_Anyway._ Lloyd molested my hair—"

"I didn't molest—"

"—and got his hand stuck."

Raine's forehead made contact with the table. She closed her eyes, then slowly raised her head, rubbing her temples. _This is ridiculous. Why do I put up with them? _"All right. Fine. We'll…deal with this. Zelos, where do you keep your comb?"

"Comb? Oh. In my room. Desk, third drawer down on the left side."

Lloyd snickered for some unidentifiable reason, and sighing again, Raine climbed the stairs to the bedroom. She was starting to sympathize with Kratos and his constant headaches. From below, she heard the murmur of the boys' voices.

"Are you sure that's not the drawer with all the condoms?" Lloyd sounded far too amused, and Raine choked on air.

"Pretty sure." Zelos didn't sound like he cared that much. "That'd be kind of traumatic, though."

"For her or us?"

A pause, a moment of consideration. "Both, I suppose."

A snicker. "Funny, though."

"But emotionally scarring."

Raine approached the desk slowly, with trepidation. Feeling squeamish about the simple act of opening a desk drawer, the flung it open, slapping a hand over her eyes. Slowly removing her hand, Raine took a cautious look, then sighed a deep sigh of relief. Just hair supplies. Thank the Goddess.

But, _Martel_, how one person could have so many hair supplies, Raine would never know.

Picking a select few hairbrushes and combs, Raine walked down to the boys again, and placed them on the table.

"The only feasible way I can see to remove Lloyd's hand short of surgery is by brushing Zelos's hair and getting all the tangles out."

Lloyd glared at the redhead. "Dammit, Zelos, do you _never _brush your hair?"

"That is none of your business."

Sheena paused in the doorway. "What's going on?" she asked with interest.

Before Raine could respond, Zelos piped up, "Lloyd molested my hair and his hand got stuck."

"I did not molest your hair!" Lloyd retorted hotly. "I _told_ you—"

"Now, I know I'm perfectly molestable to you, Lloyd, but seriously? My ha—ow! Ow! _Ow!_ Stop it! I'm sorry!"

Sheena rolled her eyes and continued on. "I'll just pretend you said 'nothing.'"

Raine sighed again.

Why did Sheena have to leave her alone with these two?

* * *

Two hours later, Lloyd was staring at his freed hand in wonder, then started doing a dance for joy. "I thought I'd never be free of that death trap!"

"Did you just call my hair a _death trap_?"

Lloyd turned around and glared. "Well, it's not my fault if it's true. I still think we should have just hacked it all off."

"No!" Zelos said in horror. "You can_not_ simply 'hack off' my beautiful hair!"

Lloyd crossed his arms and fixed the Tethe'allan Chosen with a skeptical stare.

"Whatever. My hands aren't going anywhere near that head until you start brushing your hair, though."

"I do too brush my hair!" Zelos said indignantly.

"Yeah, like once a month."

"It's more often than that!"

"Fine. Twice a month."

Zelos pouted. "You're mean."

"Whatever."

A pause. "Lloyd?"

A puff of amusement. "No."

"This means no head massages, huh?"

"Especially if you're going to accuse me of molesting your hair."

"It's not my fault it's beautiful."

"Yeah, well, it's not _my _fault you're an idiot."

"Aww."

Lloyd tossed a pillow at Zelos's head half-heartedly. "That wasn't a compliment, doofus."

Raine only groaned.

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**A/N: Dang. I forgot how fun these two are to write. And yes, Kratos didn't get tortured in this. Besides, Kratos would probably, like, shave Zelos bald. And then Zelos would sob and I'd have to put this story in the "tragedy" section. And Zelos would never recover. And Kratos and Lloyd would be cursed to the eternal doom of listening to Zelos whining for the next ten years or however long it'd take for him to grow it all back. And that would sort of suck. **


	16. Bored

**A/N: I'M NOT DEAD! YAAAAAAY! But, um, yeah. I realized I hadn't updated in a really long time. And then I realized I had writers block. And then I ate a bunch of donut holes and got hyper and weird and started thinking about what big goobers Lloyd and Zelos are and…um…my brain produced this. Don't judge me.**

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"Sooo, Master Zelos, how are _you _today?"

"OH NOES!" Zelos wailed, and ran across the town square, leaving the mystified woman behind. "Oh, Lloyd darling, help!"

Looking up from the pillar he had found unnaturally interesting, and with a surprisingly straight face looked at Zelos, who had donned his "don't rape me" face. "What is it, my sweet buttercup?" he managed, trying very hard not to laugh. Surprisingly again, he was succeeding.

"She flirted with me!" Zelos wailed, throwing his arms around the brunet's shoulders, hiding his face in the red clothes to hide his snickers.

"NO!" Lloyd gasped in mock horror and gloved hands slapped themselves to each side of his cheeks. "She didn't!"

"She…she did!"

"NO!" Lloyd cried again, throwing Zelos off him. He scowled, then unsheathed his swords. "You bastard!" he yelled at the woman, running at her. She promptly screamed and ran.

Into Raine Sage.

"Aieeeeeee!" the woman cried, and ran around the professor, who glared at Zelos and Lloyd, who had dissolved into fits of laughter.

"And just what do you two think you're doing?"

They looked at her with innocent smiles, then cracked up again. She swiftly smacked each upside the head—hard.

"Threatening and terrifying random townsfolk is _not _acceptable."

"But Raine…" Zelos whined. She directed her glare at him.

"It is not acceptable! _Ever_."

"But she was a noble," Lloyd said, as if that explained everything. Zelos nodded in agreement.

"Exactly!"

Raine took several deep breaths. So this was why Kratos had taken a prolonged vacation to who knew where. All right. She was calm now. She was not—_was not_!—going to kill either one. Though she might allow Kratos to do so when he came back.

"Tell me," she said pleasantly, with bared teeth, "why _did _you two think it would be a good idea to terrify that woman like that?"

Zelos and Lloyd looked at each other somberly, then at her.

"We were bored," Lloyd said.

More deep breaths.

"You were bored."

"Yeah," they said together.

"And you thought it would be a good idea to—I can't believe—what were you _think_—no, never mind, I don't want to know. Just _don't do it again_."

"Okay," they said meekly.

"Good, then," she said, fixing the pair with one last glare before leaving the two of them.

There was no doubt in her mind that it _would _happen again, however.

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**A/N: I knowwww. I'm a total freak. D: I can live with that though. So yay! Another day, another drabble. Ho hum. Till next time, folks. (Tee hee, folks is a funny word. I like saying it. Folks folks folks folks folks. Okay I'll stop now. I knew I shouldn't have eaten all those donut holes…)**


	17. Love Letter

**A/N: So, it's now, like, midnight. I just suddenly stopped doing my big homework project that's due tomorrow to write this, because inspiration just hit. I now know I will be severely sleep-deprived tomorrow. But I don't care right now, because I finally wrote this.**

**So. Yeah. My life has been absolutely insane. So, sorry for not updating in so long. But all stories WILL get updated at some point. Promise. Nothing is abandoned.**

**Hopefully this isn't terrible. I haven't played ToS in a really long time, so I'm kinda scared I butchered the characters. And yes. We DO have a confession of love scene in this. Sort of.  
**

**I'm gonna go to sleep now. Nighty night.**

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All his life, he had been told that a confession of love was a thoroughly thought-out affair, pondered on for days, rehearsed for hours before the actual event took place. Everything was entirely intentional. There were no mistakes. There was no shortness of breath, feeling you were going to faint, wondering if this was the worst mistake you had ever made. The stories were all wrong. If you did it right, anyhow.

That certainly made Zelos's life easier, yes, but he had spent the past three _hours _writing—or trying to write—a love letter. He'd listened to what he believed was every sappy love song ever written, and he was feeling like barfing. He also felt like a teenage girl. And a stalker. Bad combination.

The Do Not Disturb sign on his door did not help matters, either. You'd think that he'd accidentally written "Bother Zelos At All Costs" on it, but he hadn't. He checked. He even underlined the "Do Not." DO NOT DISTURB. Do Not Disturb does _not _mean open the door without warning and chirp suddenly, "Zelos, what do you want for lunch?"

He couldn't kill his sister, but he could be an ass. He'd apologize later. "I want everyone to be _quiet_!"

She pulled back. "Not a sandwich, then?"

He'd thrown one of the many scrapped letter beginnings at her, and that was his biggest mistake _ever_. And he'd made a lot of mistakes.

She opened the crumpled paper, and read the heading. "To my darling Buddy McBud Bud?" she read, then looked up, lips curling in that evil smirk that always got him smacked. "Zelos, are you writing a love letter?"

"No. Go away, Seles."

"Oh, what a lovely _day_!" she sang out. "My brother is writing a _love letter_! Sebastian! Tokunaga! Zelos is writing a love letter!"

His head collided with his desk repeatedly, staining his forehead with blue ink. _Why_? Why did the world hate him?

He slammed the door shut and hoped for the best. He looked at his newest version, and tore it up, reaching for another piece of paper. Take three hundred and forty-two. Or so.

"I hear you're writing a love letter," Sebastian said, opening the door.

Seles squinted at her brother. "Your forehead is blue."

"Would you like advice? Food?" Sebastian looked at the littered desk. "More paper? Less permanent ink?"

"I would like," Zelos growled through clenched teeth, "for everyone to kindly go _away _while I finish this up."

"The most important thing," Seles explained to him, "is to _not _sound too creepy. Now, I realize this could be difficult to you, but girls value subtlety. And not being called 'Buddy McBud Bud.' Most girls prefer nicer, sweeter sounding things."

"Do you two _mind_?"

"It could be for a guy," Tokunaga pointed out. "There's Kratos. And Yuan. I recall Zelos was spending a lot of time with him. The term 'Buddy McBud Bud,' as terrible and unromantic as it sounds, could apply then."

"I was _spying _for him."

"That's what they all say."

Zelos groaned. He really couldn't believe this was happening.

"Well, if it's for a guy, that changes everything," Sebastian said. "That's an entirely different playfield."

"Practical as always," Zelos muttered, resting his head on his folded arm. "Thank you for that bit of _wisdom_, Sebastian."

"He's sarcastic," Seles noted. "We all know what that means." She paused, and just in case no one actually knew, she added, "He's stressed. This…person…must be very special to affect him like this."

A headache was starting to throb in his temples. "Yes. Well."

"You know what another good idea is?" Tokunaga asked him. "Flowers. Girls appreciate that. If it's a girl."

Zelos smiled rather menacingly, and raised his head. "I'd like you three to all go outside for a moment, and look at my door. What do you see there?"

"A sign?" Seles ventured.

"And what does this sign say, Seles?"

"Do not disturb."

"You graduate at the top of your class, my dear sister. Now, what do you suppose this sign _means_?"

"That you don't want us to bother you?"

"Bravo. Good day." He closed the door firmly behind them and shoved his chair under the doorknob. Finally. Peace and quiet. Maybe now he could write that love letter.

He picked up a new pen and stared at the blank paper. This was going to be The One.

He never finished writing The One, however, as the door swung open, pulling the chair into the hall with it.

And there.

Stood.

_Lloyd_.

Seles grinned at her brother. "We got it open!"

"Sir Bud got it open," Sebastian corrected.

"Yeah, but we got Lloyd, and he got it open, so really we got it open."

"Hey," Lloyd said, raising a red-clad hand in greeting.

"Uh," was all Zelos could manage. Every carefully thought-out word, as skillfully laid out as any politician's speech suddenly fled his brain.

"Oooh," Seles said in a loud whisper to Tokunaga. "It's _Lloyd, _isn't it?"

"That would explain the 'To my darling Buddy McBud Bud' part," he agreed in an equally loud whisper.

Zelos started rubbing his temples. Family was a mixed blessing. Very, very mixed. A bad mix. Hardly any croutons, just wilted lettuce and expired salad dressing. And the croutons were stale.

"Maybe we should go," Sebastian said, also whispering. "Come on."

Lloyd watched them go, raising a brow, questioningly. "What was that all about? And why were they whispering?"

Now they leave. _Now _they leave. "They're weird. Come on in."

Lloyd took in the crumpled papers. "Killed enough trees, Zelos?"

"Ha, ha. You're so funny."

Lloyd grinned at him, ignoring the sarcasm. "I know."

It just didn't work to be sarcastic at Lloyd. Lloyd was impervious (though not oblivious) to sarcasm.

"Someone would think you're writing a love letter."

Dead. Silence. Was the best response that could come to Zelos's mind just then. Lloyd's brows shot up.

"You're writing a _love letter_?"

Damn. Lloyd was good. "Is that so surprising?"

"Well, yes." Lloyd sat down on his bed. "You just don't seem the 'love letter' type."

"Oh, sure."

"I'd expect you to just go up to her and tell her, instead of hiding behind all these smoke and mirrors."

Damn. Lloyd was _really _good. "Really," Zelos said conversationally.

"Is it Sheena?" Lloyd took one look at his friend's face. "Okay, fine, maybe not. Hmm…I'm good at this. Is it Colette?"

"No." If Lloyd was going to keep guessing like that, it would make this much harder. Maybe easier. Already his heart was beating hard, like the heartbeats could force the words out of his throat, shake them loose, say _it's you_, but somehow the words were just getting more stuck, peanut butter on the roof of his mouth.

"Is it…" His brow furrowed, then smoothed out. "It's Yuan, right?"

"No, it is not Yuan!" Why did everyone think that?

"It's not Dad, is it?"

"Dwarves aren't my type."

Lloyd gave him that _you know what I meant_ look. Zelos met it levelly. He could handle that look. _Hey, Lloyd, you want to get dinner or something, it doesn't have to mean anything, in fact it won't mean anything, just dinner between friends, right, I don't really even really care either way, I mean, whatever, I mean, that is, why should I even care…_

"I give up," Lloyd said, and stood up. "Tell me. Who is it?"

_You_. _Want to go out sometime_?

But no. That was not what Zelos's mouth said. His brain told him it was a wonderful thing to say. Get it out of the way. But his mouth had other ideas.

"Will you marry me? _Shit_." Zelos's head fall to Lloyd's shoulder. "That was _not _what I mean to say. Just shoot me in the head. Bang." He pantomimed a gun. "Dead."

"I'm not marrying a corpse," Lloyd said in his _duh _tone.

Zelos started considering the many ways in which he could die. They were all less agonizing than this. Anyone who said that this was easy and all you had to do was rehearse deserved to be shot as much as he did.

"But I'd suggest at least one date before marriage," Lloyd said, as if this were all very ordinary and common in his life. Usual. "I'll pick you up for dinner at five." He disengaged gently from the ex-Chosen. "And your forehead is blue."

He slipped out the door, and turned around, walking backwards. "And don't bring flowers. I don't have anywhere to put them."

And then he was gone, and Zelos was left to stare after someone who had just…

"Was it successful?" Seles asked in a loud whisper.

"I think Lloyd just told me I'm going on a date with him," Zelos said dazedly. Lloyd really should have made that easier. _Really _should have made that easier. Easier earlier. Ha ha.

"I don't think your blue forehead makes a very good impression," Tokunaga pointed out. "You should wash the ink off. Or change your headband."

"Okay," Zelos said, still feeling a little light-headed. And lost. But, hey, he had a date in four hours.

He had a date. In four hours.

With Lloyd.

Fucking.

_Irving_.

He gave The One one last fleeting look before crumpling the paper and dropping it in the trash bucket. It bounced off the overflowing top and fell to the ground.

"Sebastian," he called, "I don't suppose you could take out the trash in here?"

-----

**A/N: Me own nothing. Except for the Cadbury Crème Eggs I'm munching on right now. I **_**love **_**these things. It's like a drug. It's not even funny.**

**Reviews are as always appreciated.**


	18. Advice

**A/N: See? Told you I'd update! Thanks again for everyone's' patience in the long wait…anyway, yeah, I own nothing.**

* * *

Lloyd was an asker of advice. It was just what he did. He admitted freely that he didn't know or understand everything, something Genis always wholeheartedly (and loudly) agreed with. Now, this, Zelos understood. But why, _why _the Eternal Swordsman was asking him _how to impress a girl _was just too much.

Too much not just because of his attraction to the hero, but _also _ because of just how oblivious said hero was. Zelos had long ago given up on hiding this attraction, but it seemed he needn't have worried about Lloyd noticing. Because, yes, Lloyd was oblivious. Painfully so. Zelos really wasn't the sort of person to say something right out. Not usually. Flirting would seem the obvious choice, right? Obvious, shameless flirting. But what did Lloyd do? Oh no. Not blush. No. Lloyd would always just give him a quizzical look before shrugging it off as "Zelos-weirdness."

Everyone else found it funny, though.

Lloyd was looking at him now, expecting a damn good answer to his question. Zelos knew that there were a few obvious answers to this question. One was to throw himself at Lloyd's feet sobbing and babbling and making a complete and utter fool of himself. He wasn't too fond of this idea, but he wasn't going to rule it out.

Another idea was to tell him the truth, which was to be Chosen, or at least ridiculously rich, but he quickly scrapped this idea. Not only would it not be helpful, but it wouldn't get Zelos the response he wanted.

So he decided to take the third path. It would probably end up being best this way, really.

And with a straight face, he said, "Call all girls 'hunny.'"

Lloyd nodded, ingesting the information.

"And talk to as many as you can find."

A brow raised, but the swordsman said nothing.

"…and look directly at their chests."

"Sheena slaps people who do that." Lloyd's pointed tone said _like you_, but Zelos ignored it.

"Most girls take it as a compliment. Sheena's just violent."

"She's not violent to me."

"That's because you don't stare at her chest."

Lloyd's brow furrowed. "But you said it was a _good _thing to stare at their chests."

"Exactly," Zelos proclaimed. "If Sheena slaps you, that's a good thing."

"Not in my experience…and you usually end up crying in a corner."

"They're tears of happiness."

Zelos could tell by the look on Lloyd's face that he was just getting more confused. _Excellent._

"You see, Lloyd, Sheena's really flattered when I look at her chest."

Lloyd scratched his head. "She always looks really pissed."

"That's her way of showing affection."

"She never shows her affection towards me like that."

"She likes me more."

Lloyd gave him a completely disbelieving look. Zelos gave up.

"Fine, don't believe me. Just trust me on this one, okay?"

"I don't know," Lloyd said, not noticing that Zelos' two sentences more or less contradicted each other.

"Girls _love _to have their chests looked at."

"Uh huh."

"Knock 'em out, bud," Zelos said with a grin, shoving him towards a girl. More likely would be the other way around. He sniffed as he saw the girl back away slowly from Lloyd. "My little boy's growing up."

"What have you corrupted Lloyd's mind with now?" Sheena asked critically, hands on hips. "I swear, you never get tired of it."

"For your information, Sheena, I didn't corrupt him at all this time."

"This time," she repeated.

"He wanted advice on girls."

Sheena watched as a girl slammed her fist into Lloyd's face and kicked him down the stairs before running off. "Oh, brother. Looks like you gave him some pretty good advice."

"I told him to do what never fails for me."

"Which would be?"

"I'd, uh, tell you. But then I'd have to kill you."

Sheena raised a brow at him, then walked off, shaking her head. She did that a lot.

* * *

"My face hurts," Lloyd said, sitting on Zelos' couch, bottom lip pushed out in either a pout or having been punched too much.

"Now you know how I feel," Zelos said grandly, as if his being slapped so many times was like a badge of honor. He swung an arm around Lloyd's shoulders. "It may be painful, Lloyd, but girls like guys who've had hardship."

"Ow," Lloyd said.

"I find ice helps," Zelos taught his pupil. "Oh, and don't give up. Persistence is key."

Sheena snorted, and Lloyd said dryly, "I'm not sure I want your advice anymore."

"Ice still helps."

"Okay." He turned to Sheena. "Hey, Sheena? How do you impress a girl?"

"You don't," she said. "But if you want to get to a guy, you just kiss him."

Genis shifted in his seat. This should be good.

"Okay," Lloyd said, and leaned forward and kissed Zelos.

(A lot.)

"I think you killed him," Genis said after a moment of silence, during which Zelos just sat there with a bit of a dazed and idiot grin on his face.

"I think," Lloyd said finally, after establishing the fact that Zelos would be out of commission for awhile, "that Sheena's advice is better than his."


	19. Locked out

**A/N: This is actually based on something that happened to me once… -_- Let's just leave it at that.**

**Ooh, but on another note, I was at Target getting cheap snacky food and then I was like "I should buy a new notebook while I'm here" so I went to the notebook section and what did I see? Yes. A pink notebook with shiny lettering that said "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." And I started cracking up right there, and I was all "IT'S THE ZELOS NOTEBOOK!" So. Yeah. I bought it. I still haven't used it. I'm kind of afraid to.**

**I own nothing.**

* * *

"Well, this sucks."

"Shut up, Zelos."

It was absolutely pouring out. ("Raining cats and dogs," Genis had said at one point, and Lloyd only had to open his mouth when the brat said dryly, "It's a saying, Lloyd." Even if it wasn't one that made sense.) It was the sort of rain that came in not just fat, but obese raindrops, the kind that fell on you with a sort of glacial cold, sticking fast to you, making you shiver from the cold. And there were hundreds of these coming down. HUNDREDS.

And Lloyd and Zelos had somehow managed to get locked out of the house.

Lloyd's hair, much like Zelos', was plastered flat against his neck and face, droplets of water slowly hanging there before dropping. His fingers were already numb with cold, which was making it _extremely _difficult to pick the lock.

"I told you, hun, you're not gonna get it."

"Shut up," Lloyd griped, determined to not be wrong.

"No, really. You know all the stalkers after me? We spent a good amount of money to keep them out."

Lloyd's breath puffed out with frustration. "You couldn't have just said this earlier?"

"I wanted to see if the locks were as good as we like to think."

"Well, I'm glad I could be a little helpful," Lloyd snapped back.

They stared at the thick wooden door, as if that would make it spring open on its own. It didn't work.

"When did Sebastian say he was going to be home?" Lloyd asked.

* * *

FLASHBACK

"_Are you sure you'll be all right?"_

_Zelos couldn't help but roll his eyes in amusement. "I'll be fine, Sebastian. I'm not seven."_

"_Though sometimes you act like it," Sebastian said, not quite under his breath. Sebastian had been doing that more and more lately. Probably ever since he realized Zelos wasn't going to dismiss him, especially not for something that trivial._

"_What was that?"_

"_Nothing. This is the only key. Don't lose it."_

"_I won't, I won't," Zelos said with a sigh, pocketing the key. "Sheesh."_

"_I mean it, Zelos. DO NOT LOSE THE KEY."_

"_I won't! Look, have fun, okay? Bye!"_

"_And don't forget to do the laundry!"_

"Bye_, Sebastian!"_

_

* * *

_

"I think he said he'd be back in…" Zelos' brow crinkled. "Two weeks? Maybe three?"

Lloyd's jaw dropped—almost literally. "THREE WEEKS?"

"Maybe two."

"_Why_?"

"Why?"

"Yes! Why is he gone for two weeks?"

"Well…" Zelos grinned. "I told him to take a long vacation in Altamira or something. I can't remember him ever taking a vacation, so…"

Lloyd was giving him that _uh huh_ look. The one where he crossed his arms and raised his brows, sometimes narrowing his eyes.

"Uh huh," he said.

"AndIdidn'twanthimpesteringus."

"That's kind of what I thought."

They regarded the door again.

"Isn't it funny," Lloyd said in a voice that suggested that he didn't think it was very funny at all, "just how much that backfired?"

"Well, he's not gonna pester us."

"Yeah, and I'm sure once I die of pneominomia, that'll be a great relief."

"It's pneumonia, Bud," Zelos said, putting his bare arm around Lloyd's shoulders. "Maybe Yuan'll let us crash at his place."

"Whatever," Lloyd grumbled.

* * *

"No," Yuan said, and pushed the button to close the door on their faces. The problem with the high-tech doors here was that they weren't capable of slamming shut, and that took a lot of the enjoyment out of it.

"Pleeeeease!" Zelos whined from outside. "Don't be an evil, cruel bastard, Yuan!"

"Will you please leave?"

"If I die, Dad'll be mad!" Lloyd shouted.

"He doesn't have to know," Yuan said reasonably.

"The world will weep for the loss of _moi_!" Zelos cried. Yuan began pounding his head against the door repeatedly, which somehow made it open. Zelos and Lloyd cheered and ran inside.

"You're the bestest, Yuan," Zelos said, and enveloped the cerulean-haired half elf in a hug. Lloyd only rolled his eyes.

"You were _not _invited in," Yuan growled. "And you're getting me all wet."

"That's 'cause it's raining," Zelos said cheerfully, and he and Lloyd tromped down the hallway.

"Where's the bathroom?" Lloyd asked. "I want a hot shower."

Yuan crossed his arms and glared at them. "I have guests, you know. If you'd leave?"

"Nope," Zelos said cheerfully. "We're like vampires. Once you invite us in, you're doomed."

"Real vampires," Lloyd added.

"I didn't invite you in."

"Details." Zelos waved a hand, spraying water on the walls. Yuan twitched. "We'll be quiet."

"You two are never quiet," Yuan growled. "Why don't you just go to Zelos' house?"

"We got locked out," Lloyd said.

Yuan stared at them for a moment, trying to decide whether or not Lloyd was kidding. When he realized he wasn't, Yuan couldn't help but laugh.

"It's not funny," Lloyd said.

"When Kratos was still human, he lost the Sorcerer's Ring," Yuan said suddenly.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"And we needed it to save Martel's life, so we spent an hour and a half looking for it. And then it was in his pocket the whole time." Remembering that, Yuan couldn't help but chuckle again. "Wouldn't it be funny if your key was in your pocket the whole time?"

Lloyd and Zelos looked at each other.

_I dare you,_ Lloyd's expression seemed to say.

And so the ex-Chosen reached a dripping hand carefully into his pocket, pulling the plastered together fabric apart, until his fingers scraped the bottom. Slowly the hand emerged, and in it he held a single silver key.

"Oops," Zelos said. "heh, heh."

"Heh, heh," Yuan said in agreement. "Okay, now get out."

"You are so not serious," Lloyd muttered as Yuan shoved them out the door. "Are you _serious_?"

* * *

They stopped at the heavy door.

"Bad news, hun."

"Don't tell me."

"I lost the key."

"Are you fucking _kidding_ me!"

"Just kidding." Zelos pulled the key free. "Did you really think that I'd lose it after all that?"

Lloyd punched Zelos' shoulder. "That's not even funny!"

* * *

**Reviews are looooove. 8D**


	20. Spider

**Aghhblagh. I kinda like this one, but I'm not quite sure how it came out. But. Anyway. Yeah. Twenty chapters, guys. Wow. I think I now officially count as either obsessed, or a Zelos/Lloyd fangirl, OR BOTH. Yeah. I don't know whether or not I should feel weirded out by myself or proud or WHAT. Oh well.**

**I still haven't written in the Zelos Notebook. It still has, like, the notebook version of virginity. Yeah.**

**Anyway, own nothing as usual, boo hoo, life goes on, and enjoy.**

* * *

Zelos Wilder did not like spiders.

No, that wasn't quite right. Zelos Wilder _hated _spiders. Zelos Wilder despised spiders, and every single one of their fat appendages, bent upwards and down; he hated the almost audible sound of each one of their eight tiny feet clacking on the walls, preparing to drop down into someone's shirt; he hated the eight beady, black eyes, the demon eyes of the truly demonic crawlers; and he hated, _hated _the invisible-but-dripping-with-deadly-venom fangs hidden somewhere in the creature's tiny body.

"Zelos, chill. It's just a spider."

Lloyd wore a somewhat amused smile on his face, right hand slightly cupped, an abnormally huge spider in his palm that was skittering around. Lloyd caught the demon creature with his left hand before it could drop to the carpeted ground, where it would promptly disappear _until it was ready to strike_, at which point it _would_, and then Zelos would be a goner, and _who would be laughing then_?

Lloyd held the spider in his palm like someone might hold a tiny kitten, seemingly uncaring about the deadly creature mere centimeters away from his bloodstream.

Lloyd was not human.

"Just a spider?" Zelos sputtered, pointing at the freak of nature. "_Just a spider_? Lloyd, hunny, a spider is never _just a spider_! It's a ninja, a deadly ninja that will _bite _you and _kill _you and then we'll have to amputate your whole arm!"

"Zelos, its fangs are—"

"Covered in deadly poison! It's planning our deaths, Lloyd! _Planning our deaths_!"

"They're too small to puncture my skin at all," Lloyd said patiently. "And I'm wearing gloves."

"Are you not listening to me? You'll drop it and it'll hide and then it'll be a ninja and it'll murder me in my sleep! Just kill it! Squish it against the wall! I'm begging you! Before it's too late!"

Lloyd sighed. "It's not even that big, Zelos."

"Have you ever seen 'Eight Legged Freaks?'"

"Why, is it about your family?"

"Oh, ha, ha, very funny, Lloyd. No, it's about spiders! Giant spiders the size of this _house_! They try and take over the world and kill people and—"

"Zelos, this spider isn't as big as a house, it's as big as a piece of gald. _A piece of gald_. Besides, have you ever seen 'Spiderman?' A spider made him badass."

"Keep that spider away from me."

"You should see the spiders back in Iselia. They're, like, the size of my whole hand. Including legs."

"Lloyd," Zelos said warningly. "It's gonna eat us."

"Spiders are very beneficial, and they eat mosquitoes. I mean, I don't know much about Tethe'allan spiders, but I figure they're pretty much the same everywh—"

"THEY'RE EVIL."

"They are not evil."

"They look evil."

"Okay."

"Really. Evil. Can you just squish it?"

Lloyd sighed. "Whatever happened to you agreeing with 'from the moment we are born, everyone has the right to live?'"

"That excludes spiders and people who try to kill us! Besides, you always make ham sandwiches! What about those hams?"

"I'm just gonna throw it outside now."

"No!" Zelos shrieked. "It'll eat toxic waste and kill us all as revenge!"

"Zelos, that movie was fiction! FICTION!"

"I don't wanna take the chance!"

Lloyd groaned. "Zelos…"

"If the world gets taken over by giant spiders, it's your fault! It'll be on _your head_!"

"I can live with that," Lloyd said agreeably, tossing the spider out the window. "There. Happy?"

"This is why I keep you around," Zelos said, stepping forward to hug Lloyd. "So you can get rid of all the spiders for me."

"Is that the only reason you keep me around?"

"And the sex is great."

"I'm gonna put a spider in your underwear drawer."

"A girl would make me take out the spider on my own. But you? Nope, you're _fearless_."

"It was, like, this big."

"And had fangs, like, _thiiiiiiis _big."

"I think that's an exaggeration."

"You would." Zelos grinned. "You're a weirdo and a spider lover, but I love you anyway."

"I wouldn't call myself a spider lover. I'm just not terrified of them."

"I'm not scared of them!"

"Nooo? Then why were you all hysterical and—"

"I wasn't _hysterical_."

"Oh, no. Of course not."

"I wasn't!" Zelos protested. "And I'm not afraid of them. I just really, really don't like them."

Lloyd made a halfway amused and halfway scoffing sound.

They both knew that Lloyd would be the one to take out every spider in the house in the future.

* * *

**Reviews are as wonderful as not having a huge spider in your bathtub. Constructive criticism is as wonderful as having said huge spider not munch on your leg. And that's pretty damn fantastic.**

**Accident prone, out!**


	21. Decoy

**A/N: Oh, geez. I haven't been on here in forever…sorry about that. Life has just been…hectic lately, with my family being less than sane and trying to pass high school (I did!) and various other things, I haven't really had time for this…but hey! It's summer now! Unfortunately, I'm going to be away for a month, and won't be back till August. So here's an update for you!**

**My computer finally stopped being stupid and actually TURNED ON for the first time in over 6 months. I therefore did **_**not **_**lose a bunch of my good and also crappy stuff. This oneshot is one of them. See, back in the days when I was a newbie fanfic writer, I almost wrote and continued a story (with a Zelloyd premise, of course; this is me) in which I introduced an OC as a main character. That, and she was Lloyd's sister. I actually had some pages written that I didn't hate, and while it will never see the light of day, this part will, because it's Zelloyd and I don't have anything else I like right now. And it made me laugh while I read it. So here ya go.**

**I don't own any of the characters but Laure, and I am thoroughly ashamed of that. (She's Lloyd's sister. Like I said: ashamed.)**

* * *

"Why do _I _have to be the guard?"

"Because we're going to be way too busy to even think about it," Zelos said reasonably.

Laure rolled her eyes. "Well, duh. It's just…oh, fine!"

"Make sure they _don't _hear anything. Got that?"

"I don't see why you guys can't just hold it off until they go off."

"Can't wait that long. Sorry."

"You guys are such horny bastards. It better not be genetic."

Zelos snorted. "Just do your job, okay?"

Laure rolled her eyes again. "All right, all right. Have _fun_."

"Oh we will," he assured her cheerfully before disappearing into the room.

"Lock the door!" she yelled. "It'll buy you some time if worst comes to worst."

There was a slow click. Laure sat down on the ground in front of the door, and considered how the hell she was going to deal with this responsibility.

* * *

"Hey, Laure," Genis yelled over the music, "have you seen Lloyd?"

"What?"

"HAVE YOU SEEN LLOYD?" Genis yelled over the loud (and obnoxious) music.

"Uhh…I think he's sleeping."

"He's so lazy," Sheena muttered. Laure scratched her head and didn't say anything.

"What's that banging sound?" Raine asked.

"Uh…wow! This is my favorite part of the song!" Laure started singing as loudly as she could, trying to hide the fact that she didn't know the words. The others all stared at her.

"What are you doing?" Regal finally asked.

"Singing?"

"The wrong words," Genis said.

"I think my words to the song are…better?"

Kratos studied her. "Hmm."

"What _is _that banging?" Genis muttered. "It's giving me a headache."

"Erm…the percussion section," Laure said, thinking quickly. "Yeah. That's it."

Kratos gave her an amused look. "Percussion section."

"Entirely. LALALALA!"

"I'm certain those are not the words to the song," Presea said.

"O…oh, really?"

She nodded.

"Well, um…I'm trying to…wake Lloyd up?"

"By singing?" Colette asked, giving Laure a quizzical look.

"Uh, yeah. He always complains that people singing in the shower wakes him up."

"People singing in the shower?" Raine said blankly.

"Oh, yeah. Just, you know, random people. No one you'd know."

Kratos turned his face away and rubbed his jaw, looking somehow both amused and weary at the same time.

_Damn. I'm not as good at this as I thought, _Laure thought.

"If you're going to wake him up, then why don't you just shake him?" Genis suggested.

"Welllllll…I would. Really. But, um, he locked his door."

"That's no problem," Sheena said. "I can pick locks."

_Dammit, dammit, dammit. _What to do now? "CODE RED!" Laure screamed at the top of her lungs, hoping Zelos and Lloyd got the right idea. Otherwise, things would be _very _awkward.

"By the way," Colette said suddenly, "have you seen Zelos recently?"

"No!"

"Okay. Thanks."

"I haven't seen him!"

"I said okay…"

"I _haven't_! You've got to believe me!"

"Um…"

"Right, anyhoo…CODE RED! CODE RED! CO—"

"What are you doing?" Regal asked.

"Singing?"

"Yelling Code Red does not qualify as singing."

"Oh…r…really? Gosh. Didn't know that."

Sheena went to work on the lock. Kratos pulled Laure aside and muttered, "You really do have to learn how to be a better decoy."

"I was _improvising, _okay? I didn't expect everyone to be so insistent. Besides, you could have helped."

"Hmph. Be more careful next time."

"Next time? What do you _mean _next time?"

"Well, I hardly think they'll stop after one close call."

"Being a horny bastard had better not be genetic."

"I'm not answering that."

"Hah! Got it open!" Sheena flung the door open.

Kratos closed his eyes. "I _don't _want to see this."

"H…hi, guys," Lloyd squeaked.

Everyone came in the doom. The covers were pulled up to Lloyd's chin and he smiled at them innocently. "Yes?"

At least the swordsman had managed to hide Zelos.

"Have you seen that idiot Chosen?" Sheena asked.

"No! I haven't!"

Kratos pressed his fingers to his forehead.

"Your bed looks lumpy," Raine commented. "Is it all right?"

"Oh…_yeah_. That's just my…my clothes."

"They moved."

Lloyd suddenly leapt up in the air and squawked. He cast a glare down towards the covers and smacked the lumps…hard.

"Ow!" came a whine.

"Shhhhh!" Lloyd hissed. "Don't _do _that!" He looked back up at the others. "I was…talking to my leg."

"Your leg talks?" Genis asked, obviously skeptical.

"Wow, Lloyd!" Colette said. "That's amazing! And it sounded just like Zelos, too. That's really funny!"

"Ahahah…hah. Yeah, amazing, isn't it?"

Genis stared at his friend with narrowed eyes. "Lloyd," he began.

"OH NO!" Laure shouted. "A monster! Outside! Everyone, quick, let's go!"

The covers started shaking as Zelos laughed. Lloyd smacked the man again and smiled nervously. "My knee's…really acting up today."

"Uh huh," Genis said.

"GUYS! THE TOWN WILL BE DESTROYED IF WE DON'T GO OUTSIDE LIKE RIGHT NOW!" Laure wailed.

"Well, then, we must go," Presea said, and they ran out.

Kratos glanced at his son and said, "Lloyd, Zelos, tell Laure that I want to see her—_and _the two of you—outside later."

"Zelos? Where do you see Zelos?" Lloyd asked innocently.

"Bud," Zelos said, head popping out beside Lloyd's, "I think he's on to us."

"Zelos! I was holding my own just fine!"

"No you weren't," Kratos said, amused. "You're lucky they were so easily sidetracked."

With that, he left the room.

"Weird," Laure said, outside. "I could have sworn I saw a monster."

"Really," Raine said suspiciously.

"Yeah, really! Anyhow…uh…yeah. Why don't we all go eat some cake?"

"Laure, you're acting strangely," Presea said.

"Am I? Oh well, nothing cake can't fix! …Right?"

And so Zelos and Lloyd decided to be a little less conspicuous next time. Maybe. It all depended on their hormones.

* * *

**Reviews would be lovely. Even though I should be so ashamed, I should bury my head in the sand like an ostrich.  
**


	22. Brown eyes

**Well, I've decided to try my hand at an AU...I was writing this cool one about a mad scientist (Lloyd is Zelos's assistant!) but I decided I wanted to start with what many AUs are made of. School days! Also because I don't have the patience to write a whole AU on high school. No thankees, I already went through the hell of living high school. No need to go through it all again. That's why this is a oneshot. **

**It's also **_**sort of **_**based after my own life a little bit, except this ends cooler. And really, just is cooler throughout the whole thing. The girl I couldn't talk around was just in one of my classes, and I only sat next to her for a quarter, and she was only there half the time. And she had a girlfriend. Sucks to be me.**

**ANYhoo, I don't know when I'll be able to post next, so please enjoy this until then!**

**

* * *

**

"Hey, sorry to bother you, but do you know where the main office is? I'm new."

"Yeah, down this hall, turn right, go three doors down, turn right again, and it's the fourth door on the left." Zelos slammed his locker and glanced at the kid. That was probably his first mistake.

_Oh shit shit shit brown eyes shit_

The kid blinked. "Can you repeat that? I don't think I got it…"

_Oh shit directions directions what were they again?_

"Uh…"

_Up the hall through the ceiling third floor on the cleft oh shit_ _brown eyes_

"…I forget."

The kid gave him a disbelieving look. "You _forget_?"

"I'll, uh, take you there."

_Please don't expect me to have intelligent conversation I'm losing brain cells going light-headed okay breathe breathe breathe he's just a guy it's okay_

"Okay," he said agreeably. "I'm Lloyd. What's your name?"

_Name…shit I know I have a name oh shit _

"Zelos!" He managed, feeling more triumphant than he should have.

"Okay," Lloyd said with a somewhat bemused smile. "Nice to meet you."

_And here I almost had myself convinced I was straight._

_

* * *

_

Lloyd was bad for his schoolwork.

Now, Zelos usually thought of himself as a pretty smart guy. He got good grades without having to study. Unfortunately, Lloyd was in three of his six classes, which was good because he _liked _Lloyd, but it was also bad because in English Lit, Lloyd sat _right next to him_ and he couldn't think. What was worse was that Lloyd didn't even really talk to him during that class, he just promptly went to sleep. During the brief amount of time he was awake, Lloyd would doodle. There was absolutely no reason for Zelos to be so discombobulated.

Every morning, Lloyd would wait by Zelos's locker, cheerful despite the early hour, thumb hooked under his red backpack's strap on the shoulder. And every morning, Zelos felt himself brightening at seeing Lloyd there, even though it had become routine by now.

They would have Ceramics together each day after they ate their lunch—Zelos with his soup and Lloyd with his increasingly lumpier and more creative sandwiches—and Lloyd's sculptures in that class would always be works of art, whereas Zelos's would be blobs of different shapes and sizes.

"It's the Eiffel Tower," Lloyd would say proudly, as he lifted the flawless structure out of the kiln.

Zelos would look at his own, tilt his head, turn it around a few times, and finally decide, "Mine is your hairdo" and Lloyd would roll his eyes and start glazing his perfect replication while Zelos decided to find out what would happen if he put one coat of glaze on top of another. The result was usually a disaster, but Lloyd claimed to like them.

"It's abstract."

"It was an accident."

Lloyd would shrug. "It looks cool."

"It looks like a colorful blob."

"Like I said, it's abstract."

And over time Zelos learned to breathe and think in Lloyd's presence, and they'd sit in English Lit class with Lloyd lightly dozing, while Zelos rested his head on his outstretched arm.

"You have a bad influence on me," Zelos would whisper, and close his eyes to catch up on sleep, but not before Lloyd smiled and said "You're welcome."

And during lunch, Zelos looked at Lloyd's sandwich, raising a red brow. "So what concoction do you have today?"

"Strawberry jam and blueberry sandwich," Lloyd said, and opened the two halves. "But, see, you have to toast the bread before so it doesn't get soggy, and you have to add the blueberries right before you eat it, because otherwise they get all gross and squished."

"You've perfected it to an art," Zelos said dryly, and dug his spork into his very ordinary-seeming chili.

"You want some?"

Zelos never knew why he said yes _that _day, but he did, and he ate Lloyd's sandwich while Lloyd ate his chili and from then on, every Monday was lunch-swapping day for them.

Every day in Ceramics, Zelos opened his mouth to tell Lloyd _I think I could love you and look into your brown eyes forever, you make me feel ridiculously gooshy, and you're the reason I can't stay in the closet and in denial anymore _ but every day his mouth didn't agree with his brain, and he said instead "Fuck, Lloyd, you want to stop being so amazing in this class?"

And Lloyd would grin back, oblivious to what Zelos had meant to say and would say "It's the only class I'm amazing in" and that would cinch that.

And Zelos tried hard not to think about how the end of the year was fast approaching.

* * *

"Okay, it's definitely official," Sheena said, not bothering to knock as she came into Lloyd's room. "Zelos has a thing for you."

"I kind of got that vibe," Lloyd said easily, sandpaper working furiously on the wood.

"You did?" Sheena blinked. "How? Since when?" Maybe Lloyd wasn't all as oblivious as she'd thought.

"Couple of days after I met him."

"But that was at the beginning of the semester."

"Yeah. It took him awhile to remember his name." Lloyd squinted at what he was working on. "This is really crappy wood."

"Why haven't you done anything?"

"Because he's really far in the closet."

"Not that far."

"Still pretty far."

"The school year's going to be over soon."

"Yeah."

Sheena made a disgusted sigh. "I don't know why I bother."

Lloyd smiled. "Me neither."

* * *

It was Monday, and Zelos was trying to decide whether Lloyd's peanut butter, jelly, and jellybean sandwich was genius or just plain weird. Lloyd was studying him, spork sticking out the side of his mouth. Finally he removed the spork and said "The chili tastes different today."

Zelos nodded. "I put more carrots in it. And I put more meat in it."

"Mmm," Lloyd said, nodding like he got it. "It's good."

"I'd hope so. I made it."

"Mmm," Lloyd said. "So, Sheena thinks I should ask you out."

Zelos's stomach did something he imagined many birds did, which was jump off a cliff, fall several feet, then burst into the air in a flurry of feathers. _Oh shit brain no not now think you can do this you've done this for the past month or two you can THINK DAMN YOU _"Oh really?" was all he managed to croak, and he kicked himself. _I am so stupid when it comes to you, Lloyd, you have no idea. I am so gay. Or something._

"Uh huh." Lloyd took another bite of chili. "But I told her that if I asked you out, your brain cells would probably fry on the spot." The plastic spork popped out of his mouth, upside down as always. "What do you think?"

"Uh," Zelos said, feeling his brain cells die off one by one. _Think Zelos god stop being so gay for like five seconds and say SOMETHING. "_Uh."

"See, that's what I thought would happen." Lloyd sounded oddly pleased with himself. "I'll pass on the message to Sheena." He chucked the spork into the trash, and it stuck up like a flag. He sighed. "Oh, what the hell. Zelos, you want to get dinner sometime or whatever?"

_Work mouth work just say yes just say yes and for the love of god please don't babble I need to leave with some of my dignity intact and oh shit brown eyes_

"Sure," Zelos managed, mouth feeling very dry. "I mean, yeah. That is, definitely. Cool. Yeah." He nodded, wondering if that simple motion would cause his head to spontaneously plop off his neck onto the ground and roll into the hall, where some asshole seniors would probably play soccer with it. "By the way, you have like the prettiest eyes ever." _Oh god Zelos shut up now shut up shut up shut up. _He stood up. "I have to go, uh, take a crap or something. Bye!"

Lloyd smiled. "See you in Ceramics."

_Oh geez and I have to talk to him again too oh crap brain cells where were you?_

"Bye," Zelos said feebly, and resolved to not throw up or squeal or jump in the air.

_I am cool as a cucumber. As a cucumber on a large, very cold glacier. In Canada._

Contenting himself with those thoughts, Zelos walked slowly to his Ceramics class, remembering to breathe.

Lloyd just grinned after his friend.

Score.

* * *

**I just realized I write a lot of oneshots kinda like this...huh. Maybe I should write a follow-up to one of these.**

**Anyway, I'll see you soon! Keep thinking of Zelloyd while I'm gone. :3**


	23. Tree

**Wrote this for the Holiday Contest on dA. It was a little short that has been bouncing around in my head after these two adorable gay guys came into the store I work in and bought this six and a half foot tall gold tinsel tree. Uh...yeah, this story pretty much speaks for itself...**

**Own nothing. Enjoy!  
**

* * *

"We are not getting a pink tree."

The words were spoken with an air of finality with a slight tinge of resignation, like the speaker knew that somehow, _somehow—_despite all odds—his firm words would get brushed aside like a forgotten fortune from a fortune cookie.

"Llooooyyyd," came the protest, and Lloyd didn't think he'd ever heard one syllable drawn out so far before, even from Zelos, which meant that he was in for a lot of arguing over this. Fortunately, he was in a bit of an argumentative mood.

"Zeeeeeloooooos," Lloyd mocked, never uncrossing his arms. He was awarded with a sour look before Zelos dismissed it with a characteristic wave-aside with that gloved hand.

"Pink is just like _red_, only lighter." Pointed look at Lloyd's choice in clothes. Lloyd pretended to not see it. "So, really, it's like getting a red tree."

"Zelos, it is not light red. It is pink. _Hot pink_."

"Well..."

"_No_." Lloyd turned and jabbed a thumb at another tree. "We are getting _this one_."

"It looks so...gloomy," Zelos said, eyeing the black tree. Tinsel hung off it like branches on a weeping willow tree, almost like a depressed sigh. There was nothing festive about it, nothing to brighten up the mood, the holiday, or the room. It was just... "It's so _black_."

"It's a black tree. It would make Yuan _flip_." Lloyd grinned, and his eyes seemed to spark with the potential of that. Lloyd had rather taken to that recently—bothering Yuan as much as he could, just for the sake of...well, bothering Yuan. He claimed that it was because Yuan had put them through _so much grief_ during the Regeneration journey, but Zelos suspected it was just because Lloyd was bored, without any worlds or universes to save. Yet Lloyd had a bit of a talent for finding that sort of trouble.

"It would make _me _flip," Zelos said decisively. "There is no _way _we are getting a black tree. No."

"Zelos—"

"Nope."

"You're being unreasonable."

"You wouldn't let me have an almost-red tree!"

"It wasn't almost red! It was hot! Pink!"

They glared at each other. Tried to stare each other down. It didn't work. It never worked. They'd spent too much time together by this point for it to work.

"I'd suggest a compromise," Zelos said, "but there isn't really one."

"They're from totally different ends of the spectrum," Lloyd agreed.

"How about a purple tree?"

"It looks like barf purple."

"Okay, that's a new one."

"I'm just saying."

"You'll notice I'm not disagreeing." Zelos flashed a grin at the other swordsman. "Although I think it's more of an eggplant."

"Gross."

"Yeah."

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Lloyd knew that this really shouldn't be so difficult. He'd always laughed before at all the people who took forever to choose a tree, or at the people who spent so much time shopping just for decorations, it was a wonder they had time to even put _up _said decorations. It was a day in a year. One _day_. True, he wasn't used to getting the chance to celebrate, especially since he'd been on the road almost exclusively for the past few years. And Dirk had never really been one for holidays, just thinking one day was more or less the same as the last, forgetting that the holidays had come until a few months after the fact, at which point everyone else had moved on. At which point it was a bit of a moot point.

So this was all somewhat new to Lloyd. It wasn't something he was used to, which was fine. He was all for new experiences, especially when it came to Zelos (who had gasped dramatically when Lloyd had said thoughtfully that he'd never really celebrated any holiday before, let alone this one), but this was just ridiculous.

"This is ridiculous," Lloyd informed the redhead, who was busy poking at the snow cover on one of the more traditional trees, fascinated. "Why should this be so hard? I mean, it's a _tree_. It's not even a tree. It's a plastic replica of a tree. That we'll probably forget about like a week after all this."

"It's part of the experience," Zelos said absently. "I wish they had this in neon."

"You are so weird."

"I know." Zelos moved on from that tree. "Lloyd, okay, look. I get that you're from a hick town that didn't celebrate any holidays—"

"I didn't come from a hick town," Lloyd protested, even though he knew it was futile. "And they celebrated it, it was just that Dad and I didn't."

"Which is absurd."

"Which I didn't know until I came here and met you," Lloyd snapped, a little peeved.

"Hey, hey, hey, whoa, calm down. I wasn't saying it to—"

"And we are not getting a hot pink tree as our first tree."

"Are you on the subject of that tree _again_?" Something glinted in Zelos's eyes, and he said: "And does that mean that we can get a pink tree next year?"

"Only if we can get a black tree the year after that!"

"Never!"

They looked at each other and Lloyd couldn't help but smile.

"Okay," he said, and had to laugh. This was all just...too much. But in a good way. Somehow. "Okay, no black tree."

"No," Zelos said firmly.

"No pink tree."

"_This _year."

"No barf purple tree."

"You could be the guy that names those crayons, you're so poetic."

"How sweet."

Lloyd didn't know quite what made him do that quarter turn then, but he did, and Zelos somehow followed his line of sight—hell, maybe the professor was right, maybe the two of them _were _spending too much time together—but wasn't that how it was supposed to be?—and they saw The Tree at the same time. Spoke at the same time, with no argument or uncertainty in their unified voices.

"We are getting that tree."

It stood tall and proud, thin but well-angled, which made it remind Lloyd of Zelos, in its way, with a strong base. Tinsel, like all the trees they'd been looking at. Fun was important. The holidays were about celebrating, and celebrating was supposed to be all about fun. Neither one of them wanted to hold on to any tradition that their families would or could pass down to them. But none of the other trees had caught them quite like this one had. It was glimmering in the florescent light of the Christmas store, and green and blue strands stood out unashamed.

"We are so getting that tree," Zelos said on a sigh, but Lloyd had already started towards it. He followed the Dwarven-trained hero, and tried not to be too horrified when he heard the words of the salesperson to someone else.

"Yeah, this is our last one. I really like this one, you know, if I had a few thousand gald to spare, I might get it myself, but even with my employee discount, well—"

"Oh, yeah," said the woman of the two, in a nasally voice. "Very nice tree, very nice, but I don't know—"

_They are _not _taking our tree_.

"We'll take it," Lloyd said firmly, and there was no room for argument in his voice. It was the same tone he'd used when he'd said that they were going up against Mithos, or when he'd said that they were going to ride up on Rheaird that hadn't seen repairs in years up to a dragon's nest. It was That Voice.

"Uh," said the salesperson. "Well—this couple was thinking about—"

"Yes," the man said, snooty as shit. Zelos already didn't like him. He felt absolutely no remorse for taking this last tree. It was The Tree, dammit, the soul mate of all trees, the only tree that would do, the one tree to rule them all. No one was going to take this away from them.

"Why should they give it to you punks and not us?"

"Because—" Lloyd started, flustered, then blinked in that adorable way in which his brain caught up to the rest of him, and he looked mildly insulted. "Did you just call us _punks_?"

"Because," Zelos said, and didn't know what quite possessed him to hug Lloyd from behind and put his chin on that suspenders-clad shoulder. "Because this is _Lloyd fucking Irving_, and it's all his fault you're still alive."

"You're welcome," Lloyd muttered, but Zelos could tell by the way he shifted his weight over to his left leg that he was embarrassed by it. Whoops.

"Uh," the salesperson said again, and his eyes flitted from one party to the next. "Well—"

"And because I'll pay three times the price for it," Zelos said simply. "We want that tree."

"It's The Tree," Lloyd said by explanation.

"I'll get it for you," the salesman said, and gave a quiet, apologetic "sorry" to the other two, before dashing off. Zelos grinned unashamedly at them.

"I'm not sorry," he announced, and Lloyd gave him one of those looks that would be almost disapproving if it hadn't been obvious that he agreed. "At all."

In the end, it barely fit on the Rheaird to get flown home, and even then it only fit on Lloyd's lap, which didn't make the red-clad very happy, but, hey.

They had a tree, even if it wasn't a hot pink one.

Zelos grinned as he surveyed The Tree.

The pink tree would come for their second Christmas.


End file.
